Progrums

Seen calmly ambling through the first games as if auditioning for a campus production of “Slow and Steady Wins the Race,” Nicholas Singleton has secretly been fitting snug rocket boosters under his cleats. Position coach Tony “Countdown” Turner, rumored to have a live detonator in his office just for motivational purposes, insisted this mild-mannered back is “charging up to blow every defensive front into next week.” Scouting reports now include disclaimers about potential crater formation and unsolicited end-zone pyrotechnics. Sources say the equipment staff is stockpiling extra tape and chewing gum in anticipation of blown-out helmets and shattered jawlines. Meanwhile, Singleton has been spotted practicing celebratory cartwheels—because if you’re going to obliterate third-and-short, you might as well look good doing it. Buckle up: halftime highlights are about to get nuclear.