Progrums

In a move sure to confuse opponents and accountants alike, Penn State’s star signal-caller has inked a deal to slap his helmet on a Venmo-powered debit card. Now fans can swipe in white-and-blue style, making every grocery run feel like a fourth-and-goal conversion. Allar’s new gig reportedly involves intercepting overdraft fees and handing out free digital high-fives with every purchase. Sources confirm the card may even emit stadium noise when approved, turning mundane coffee orders into mini home-game experiences. Analysts predict fewer financial sacks and more celebratory victory dances at the ATM. Quarterback drills have officially expanded from reading defenses to reading digital wallets.