Progrums

In a stunning revelation that has scrutiny hovering between prophecy and hysteria, Texas football fans are already penciling Arch Manning’s first four starts alongside the storied debuts of Colt McCoy, Vince Young and Quinn Ewers—despite him not yet suiting up. Universities of over-enthusiasm have convened to study his pre-game aura, while statisticians scramble to devise metrics that account for potential cosmic energy influences on passing yards. Tailgate grills are reportedly pre-heating in tribute, and local philosophers argue that Manning’s mere pre-season tosses should count as schoolyard legends. All hail the soon-to-be quarterback who might just break time itself—if only he can remember which end zone to aim for.