Progrums

A recent internal poll at Virginia Tech uncovered a shocking statistic: more fans recognize NFL head coaches than recall their own alma mater’s president. In response, the Hokies’ athletic department convened in a high-speed Zoom fueled by cold brew and desperation. Attendees unanimously agreed that nothing says collegiate tradition like hiring someone who’s likely to confuse Waffle House with a playbook. Rumor has it they’ve already sent scouting drones to NFL sidelines to record mid-game tantrums. If all goes well, next season’s team meetings will start with a motivational rant worthy of four Super Bowl rings, followed by a casual reminder to turn in homework on time. It’s all part of Virginia Tech’s bold new strategy: merging touchdown dances with diplomas.