Progrums

Michigan’s golden boy signal-caller, Bryce Underwood, has spent the first month of the season single-handedly redefining “good enough.” Through four games, he’s amassed enough stats to fill a small novel, left opposing defenses in existential crises, and become the go-to highlight for every late-night sports blooper reel. Rivals are scrambling to press “pause” on their DVRs just to catch their breath, while analysts debate whether Underwood is secretly a robot powered by pure cheddar from Ann Arbor’s cheese shops. Meanwhile, fans have started a GoFundMe to install seatbelts on the goalposts, fearing Underwood will barrel right through them on his next game-winning scramble. Is he the conference’s top QB, or simply a magician in shoulder pads? Stay tuned—this saga is only getting started.