Progrums

In a move that has Big Ten rival recruiters clutching their lanyards in fear, Michigan is reportedly on the brink of sealing yet another coveted pledge—because who doesn’t need a fourth superhuman on the roster? Sources say the Wolverines have identified one of the nation’s top guards, a player so polished he reportedly dresses in high-gloss vinyl and uses a laser-guided dribble. Rumor has it the coaching staff is already drafting a choreographed victory dance to unveil when he signs. Meanwhile, campus bookstores are prepping “Commitment #4” T-shirts, and local restaurants are rolling out celebratory “Future Wolverine” specials. Strap in, folks—if this goes through, Michigan might have enough talent to start its own all-star league.