Progrums

After four weeks of Michigan football, the Wolverines’ offense has transformed into the gridiron equivalent of a slow-cooked brisket—tender in theory, but painfully slow to show up at the table. Rushing yards have crept up like a caffeinated sloth, while the passing game resembles an amateur mime trapped in a mailbox. Fans are torn: half are cheering “masterful clock management,” the other half are frantically Googling “how to watch paint dry.” The O-line’s polite blocking style has left defenders wondering if they’ve RSVP’d to the wrong party. Quarterback DJ Jazzy Sack is dishing out more screen passes than a 1990s boy band reunion tour. But hey, when you can tout “strategic momentum building,” who needs easy touchdowns?