Progrums

In a bold display of Midwestern chutzpah, Michigan’s coaching squad has crossed state lines, GPS locked on Baylor prospects like a heat-seeking missile with icicle tips. They’ve airlifted in 30 tons of artificial snow, erected a makeshift igloo, and are dangling lifetime passes to the world’s coldest ice baths. Rumor has it they’re also bribing recruits with free Thermoses of Wolverine chili, 24/7 Dad-joke hotline access, and mandatory maize-flavored deodorant samples. As the recruiting battlefield heats up, Texas brisket aficionados are sharpening spare ribs for combat—and football fans can’t decide whether to grab sunscreen or a parka. Will Michigan score its second Baylor defection, or will Texas reclaim its recruits with a brisket-fueled counteroffensive?