Progrums

In a stunning display of self-congratulation, Michigan’s football brain trust unveiled a four-game report card so flattering it might as well have been penned by Santa Claus. Head Coach Jim Harbaugh earned an A+ for sideline theatrics—complete with Viking helmet and occasional air guitar—while landing only a C on actual play-calling, because apparently “Go big or go home” applies only to Halftime Show auditions. Defensive Coordinator earned a solid B for crushing blitzes and a D for forgetting which way is offense. Special teams coach got an A for launching punts into orbit but flunked kickoff returns after maiden voyage left players bewildered in the parking lot. Recruiting guru scored an A for snagging the nation’s top prospects on Instagram, offset by an F when real-life campus visits revealed that “historic library” is just the one with free Wi-Fi. All told, the Wolverines’ coaching staff averages a respectable B+, proving once again that when in doubt, just hand out participation trophies—and everyone loves a curveball.