Progrums

In a spectacle that will surely go down in the annals of local legend, the four-star offensive lineman from Gilmer, TX, attended last Saturday’s Longhorns demolition derby of Sam Houston—an event that ended 55-0 and left spectators questioning reality itself. Our hero reportedly spent halftime wandering the concourse in a daze, asking vendors if funnel cakes are always served with an existential crisis. Postgame, he was spotted bowing to the opposing bench, whispering apologies for breaking their will so thoroughly, then scrambling for Google to see if “earthquake” is a medical condition. Coaches insist he’s “just processing greatness,” while teammates worry he’s going to start rating personal space on a five-star scale. The only thing bigger than Texas pride this weekend was the gap between Gilmer’s jaw and the turf.