Progrums

With no game on the calendar, the Texas Longhorns have officially stumbled into the terrifying Bermuda Triangle known as “the bye week”—a mysterious vortex where coaches recommend binge-watching other teams’ highlight reels just to feel something. Sources say players are furiously refreshing their phones for updates on random Big 12 scraps, hoping a surprise turnover will jolt them back to life. Meanwhile, the team nutritionist is fielding frantic calls about “snack alignment” with key midseason matchups, and the mascot is practicing new victory dances alone in an empty stadium. In short, UT has turned into sports version of a soap opera: equal parts drama, suspense, and desperate rooting interests—all while praying Week 6 arrives sooner rather than later.