Progrums

In a bold display of collective fragility, the Texas Longhorns offense has turned into a crash-test dummy convention this non-conference stretch. Star receivers are spending more time in the medical tent than on the field, while quarterbacks have begun adding “professional limb wrapper” to their résumés. The team’s training staff now logs more miles shuttling between ice baths than the players do running routes. Rumor has it the next playbook installment will feature diagrams of crutches and ramps. But don’t worry, fans: once they master walking without assistance, they’ll dust off those playbooks—assuming they can lift a pencil without summoning a physiotherapist.