Progrums

Mel Kiper Jr., ESPN’s guru of crystal‐ball draft projections, apparently woke from a decade-long nap just to announce that Bryce Underwood is the chosen one—the football equivalent of sliced bread, a gift to humankind, a defensive end so sensational he probably bench-presses small vehicles in his spare time. According to Kiper, Underwood’s tape is so pristine you could eat off it, and his motor runs on nothing but cold-pressed hype. But wait—there’s more! Kiper also gushed over another Michigan Wolverine, insisting this backup superstar will quietly bulldoze offensive lines until someone notices and crowns him the next gridiron deity. It’s an all-out Wolverine lovefest, fueled by starched scouting reports, caffeine, and the faint whiff of panic that Halloween week brings to draft rooms everywhere.