Progrums

Tonight, the 1-and-3 Hokies will daringly attempt to turn their conference ledger into something resembling optimism, all thanks to three rock-solid predictions nobody asked for. After a week of soul-searching (and a couple of awkward pep talks in the locker room), Virginia Tech players have decided that if they can’t rack up wins, at least they can stockpile hot takes. Coaches were spotted consulting ancient playbooks and incessantly chanting, “Tonight’s the night!” Fans, meanwhile, have lowered their caffeine intake to conserve energy for the nail-biting drama in Lane Stadium. Rumor has it the team’s defensive line has promised at least one stellar tackle — unless someone trips over their own shoelaces, which remains a legitimate concern. Offensively, the Hokies swear they’ll finally remember which end zone belongs to the other team; running back hopes include making it past the line of scrimmage more than twice. And special teams? They’re aiming high: a kickoff that doesn’t sail into the student section. As kickoff approaches, everyone’s holding their breath, hoping these predictions don’t fizzle faster than last week’s halftime show. Because when your record says 1-3, sometimes the only thing left to score is hope.