Progrums

In a stunning display of organized chaos masquerading as sport, Notre Dame’s Fighting Irish decided to actually play football on Saturday—much to the shock of Arkansas, which apparently thought it was attending a social gathering. Quarterbacks exchanged high-fives with defenders, who were so baffled by the lack of trick plays that they simply stood there, applauding. Meanwhile, Marcus Freeman and CJ Carr, still pinching themselves, praised their team for turning what looked like a pre-season scrimmage into a full-blown meltdown of their unprepared opponents. Analysts noted that this was Notre Dame’s “most complete game” of the young season, which roughly translates to “they finally remembered there were rules to follow.” The defensive line, after a brief pep talk about resembling something other than a pancake, flattened Arkansas’s offense into submission. On the other side of the ball, the Irish offense moved with such precision that fans began to suspect the team had hired professional choreographers. By the final whistle, Arkansas was left searching the turf for their dignity, while Notre Dame strolled off the field humming a tune that sounded suspiciously like “We Are the Champions.” Critics are calling it a statement win; Arkansas is calling it an identity crisis. Either way, Notre Dame proved that sometimes, the scariest thing you can face on a Saturday afternoon is an opponent that actually shows up ready to play.