Progrums

After a grueling seven days of absolutely no football, the Texas Longhorns have bravely resurfaced to reveal their latest standings in the highly scientific AP and Coaches polls. Fans, still recovering from the shock of an unscheduled break, clutched their remotes as the pollsters—who reportedly convened in a secret bunker beneath a Starbucks—tallied votes and assigned the Longhorns a spot that’s best described as “definitely not at the bottom” but also “why is it not higher?” Coaches across the land scribbled frantic notes on clipboards, while AP voters consulted tarot cards before declaring Texas in that perfectly safe mid-table region. Meanwhile, the players are back to worrying about actual football, blissfully unaware that their ranking has prompted more late-night think pieces than any touchdown this season.