Progrums

Forget sunshine and palm trees—this weekend, the Wolverines are jetting off to Los Angeles to test both their football prowess and their opponents’ sanity. Sources confirm Michigan’s most trusted playbook now reads: “Step 1: Arrive at weird-o’clock. Step 2: Confuse USC with relentless Maize-and-Blue swagger. Step 3: Question if anyone’s actually awake to witness your brilliance.” Rumor has it the team’s chartered flight will feature motivational speeches delivered entirely in “Go Blue” chants, punctuated by power naps and questionable airport sushi. Meanwhile, USC fans are reportedly consulting quantum physicists to figure out how to remain conscious for kickoff. In true college-football fashion, expect overenthusiastic commentators, surprise cameo appearances from local mascots, and at least one spilled bucket of popcorn. Who said cross-country travel can’t feel like an acid trip? Bring the eye drops and coffee IVs—it’s showtime, whether you’re ready or not.