Progrums

2. After an intense bye week of deep reflection—and possibly binge-watching classic highlight reels—Michigan football’s head coach, Sherrone Moore, has officially turned his attention to the squad’s true freshmen. Yes, those mysterious roster inhabitants who, until now, were believed to exist solely as decorations on the sideline. Moore proudly declared that these inexperienced newcomers might actually see meaningful snaps soon, a revelation that has fans questioning whether they’ve been watching the right film all season.
Rumor has it Moore stumbled on this insight while scrolling through the team roster on a particularly slow Tuesday afternoon. “I’ve met these guys before,” the coach admitted, blinking in surprise. “They showed up to practice a few times—really tall, really fast. I thought they were just extra water boys.”
Now, with spring-like enthusiasm, Moore is handing playbooks to the freshmen and encouraging them to learn a play or two before the next game. Sources say the coach is even coaching himself to pronounce freshman last names correctly—though it’s unclear how many syllables he’ll remember under pressure. Meanwhile, Michigan fans are sharpening their bingo cards in anticipation of loudly cheering for plays that may actually involve bodies under 18. College football’s new era: when the bench finally becomes a surprise.