Alabama’s vaunted tailbacks have been about as effective as a solar-powered flashlight in a blackout when squaring off with the college football equivalent of the Avengers, the so-called Power Four. Instead of bulldozing secondaries, Bama’s ball-carriers have mastered the art of standing still, checking their watches and pondering life’s big questions—like why every linebacker seems to have a built-in GPS tracker that beeps louder than their own footsteps.
Fans in the stands have started bringing knitting needles and crossword puzzles to fill the endless gaps between handoffs, while the team’s announcers have considered setting up a live timer on screen to remind viewers that at least something’s moving—even if it’s just the stadium clock. Rumor has it the coaching staff is experimenting with bubble wrap on the offensive line to generate more yardage noise on contact, and one running back was spotted installing tiny rocket boosters under his cleats, pending NCAA approval.
Still, hope remains that a pre-game motivational speech or perhaps a miracle offensive line horn could awaken Alabama’s ground game before opponents start running out of photo finishes to celebrate. Until then, the Crimson Tide’s rushing totals will keep clocking in somewhere south of “meaningful.”
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