Progrums

In a stunning display of hubris, the University of Georgia Bulldogs have once again reminded the world that “competition” is merely a quaint concept best left to underdogs and true believers. Bookies nationwide set their odds after a quick roll-call: one team showed up with a roster of All-Americans, a cavalry of coaches, and alert parents in the stands; the other team, Kentucky Wildcats, apparently thought they were auditioning for the cheer squad. Georgia opened as a “massive favorite,” which is code for “we’re going to win so convincingly the scoreboard might file an abuse report.” Sources close to the Bulldogs confirm they’ve instructed players to treat this game like a light jog—just enough cardio to keep their heart rates vaguely above room temperature. Meanwhile, Kentucky strategists have reportedly been rehearsing their surprise celebration, should they manage to score a field goal before halftime. When asked for comment, a Bulldogs quarterback reportedly muttered, “That’s cute,” before asking if he could go back to watching his teammates’ highlight reels. Stay tuned for what promises to be the football equivalent of David versus Goliath—except everyone’s betting David will trip over his own slingshot.