Progrums

In what fans are calling a miracle on the gridiron, the Georgia Bulldogs have at long last produced an actual offensive star this season—yes, you read that correctly, an actual player who can catch the ball and score points without accidentally tripping over his own shoelaces. Sources say the coaching staff was so stunned they held an emergency meeting to confirm he wasn’t just another glorified practice dummy. He’s already racked up enough highlight-reel clips to fill an entire whodunit season on Netflix, prompting rival fanbases to cancel their ESPN subscriptions in despair. Tailgate parties across Athens have upgraded from modest burgers to full barbecue extravaganzas, fearing they’ll need something stronger than hot dogs to celebrate his next touchdown. Meanwhile, local mascots are reportedly sending out transfer feelers, citing “shadows and irrelevance” as their chief concerns. If this keeps up, Georgia’s new offensive wunderkind might have to hire a talent manager—because apparently, being good at football is just that rare.