Progrums

Penn State’s latest strategy for turning defeat into glory hinges on one man: Jim Knowles, rumored to outlaw any memories of that painful Oregon drubbing. Knowles famously shepherded Ohio State off the morale cliff after a similar fall and somehow emerged clutching a national title like a triumphant raccoon with stolen goods. Now the Nittany Lions hope his secret playbook—filled with at least one miracle X-and-O and a blessing from the football gods—can erase their own embarrassing scoreboard confession.

Insiders report Knowles will hold nightly “Don’t Think About Ducks” group therapy sessions, distribute stress balls shaped like tiny pigskins, and possibly conduct a ceremonial burning of frozen Brutus Buckeye mascots to absorb residual bad juju. In press conferences, he’s expected to quote ancient Stoic philosophers and demand every player memorize a new mantra: “What happens in Eugene stays in Eugene.”

If the plan works, Penn State will go from Oregon patsies to Big Ten overlords, triumphantly hoisting trophies while casually forgetting the term “upset.” If it doesn’t, fans suspect Knowles might move on to save yet another program—though whispers say he’s still in demand as the leading “Loss Eradicator” in all of college football.