Progrums

Pollsters everywhere are reportedly still picking their jaws up off the floor after the Michigan Wolverines somehow managed to vault up the national rankings without even suiting up. Sources say the team spent the last seven days perfecting snack selection strategies and binge-watching old highlight reels, yet that didn’t stop voters from bumping them up a notch. One AP voter allegedly dozed off mid-coffee and accidentally slid Michigan ahead of two other contenders; another insisted he gave extra love for a “hard-fought victory against the snooze button.” Meanwhile, coaches are frantically Googling “how to win polls on a day off,” and rival fans have begun chanting “at least we played!” The Wolverines, however, remain unbothered—already booking tee times and confirming whether bye-week naps count as training.