Progrums

Notre Dame fans are reportedly thrilled as the Fighting Irish’s remaining opponents prove so mind-numbingly gentle that even their stat sheets are begging for mercy. With each passing week, ND’s schedule transforms into a series of glorified scrimmages—think pillow fights in shoulder pads—leaving players to wonder if they should be celebrating wins or putting out “Do Not Disturb” signs. Coaches relish the easy W’s, but the caffeine industry weeps for their losses as viewers trickle away in search of actual competition. Meanwhile, the playoff committee squints suspiciously at Notre Dame’s résumé, wondering if an unblemished record against teams that can’t spell “upset” truly deserves a spot in December. It’s a classic catch-22: a cakewalk that feeds the win column but starves the thrill meter, forcing Irish faithful to pray for a surprise rival just to feel alive again.