In a move that has Miami fans frantically stocking up on corn helmets, coach Mario Cristobal has officially declared Florida State’s offense a one-way ticket to Ankle Break City. Sources say Cristobal spent his Monday morning measuring his team’s ACLs for resigns after watching the Seminoles rack up points like they were handing out free candy. Meanwhile, Mike Norvell, the man with a 3-2 bragging right over Miami, is busy reminding everyone that he’s the smiling assassin of South Beach, luring unsuspecting Hurricanes into defensive ambushes with his charming grin.
“Look, I’m all for a good rivalry,” Cristobal reportedly groaned while applying ice packs to his quarterback’s ribs, “but Florida State’s playbook reads like a horror novel where every page ends with a touchdown.” At press time, Cristobal was seen furiously Googling “Do warning labels work for football offenses?” and contemplating enlisting a team of personal bodyguards to babysit his offensive line on game day.
As for Norvell, he’s already penciling this Saturday’s game into his calendar as “Another Day at the Office (Miami Branch),” confident that his 3-2 ledger against the Canes is far from a fluke. With Cristobal nursing fresh losses and FSU’s offense craving live prey, this rivalry might just turn into a full-blown football feeding frenzy.
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