In a breathtaking display of crisis management, Texas Longhorns head coach Steve Sarkisian has declared Arch Manning and DJ Lagway “off-limits” to the harsh glare of early-season hot takes. After an offseason where social media armchair analysts promised either Heisman campaigns or instant retirements, Sarkisian stepped in like a gridiron superhero—minus the cape but plus a clipboard—to bat away criticism with the finesse of a pro quarterback evading a blitz.
“They’re doing exactly what we asked: running plays, throwing balls, not crashing windows,” Sarkisian quipped at a press conference that felt more like a protective parents’ support group. He reminded everyone that Manning—nephew of football royalty—may not be born with a playbook in hand, and DJ Lagway deserves time to transform from college newcomer to gridiron guru.
While pundits rushed to grade every incompletion as a career-defining meltdown, Sarkisian insisted that patience is the real MVP. He argued that high expectations do not come with an automated hype-to-performance converter—and that both quarterbacks could use a few more snaps before critics start drawing up trade proposals. In other words: pump the brakes, Texas fandom, or prepare for a coach-ordered timeout.
Leave a Reply