Progrums

In what’s become the latest episode of “Texas Longhorns Medical Mystery Theater,” head coach Steve Sarkisian finally deigned to update us on the whereabouts of Quintrevion Wisner’s hamstring—though his words were about as definitive as a fortune cookie. As the Horns barrel toward their SEC opener against Florida (also known as “That Team We Keep Hearing About”), Sarkisian listed a handful of other Longhorns who may or may not be one wrong tackle away from the bench. Fans can look forward to peering into locker rooms, stadium aisles, and various ice-bath tubs for real-time injury confirmations—provided that Wi-Fi holds up. Meanwhile, Wisner himself remains the gridiron equivalent of Schrodinger’s wide receiver: simultaneously injured and not injured until further notice. Will he suit up? Will he sit out? Will he text us when he wakes up? Only coach Sark has the answers, which he’ll likely reveal two hours before kickoff, just in time for live social media meltdown.