Progrums

Wisconsin’s defensive mastermind, Luke Fickell, is reportedly stockpiling industrial-strength mouth guards and daily motivational chants as he braces for Michigan’s freight-train backfield. Sources say Fickell has personally petitioned the NCAA to allow medieval battering rams on the sideline, claiming only ancient siege engines can hope to slow down those Wolverines. Film sessions have been replaced by group therapy for linebackers haunted by flashbacks of last year’s tape, featuring tidal waves of gold jerseys barreling downfield. Rumor has it Wisconsin’s special teams are training under professional matadors—because if you can’t stop the rush, you might as well dodge it. Experts suggest Fickell may also be consulting local meteorologists to forecast any incoming stampedes. One thing’s for sure: when kickoff arrives, this won’t feel like football so much as a desperate attempt at crowd control.