Progrums

In a stunning exposé of digital pessimism, an “expert” computer model—complete with imaginary spectacles and a disdain for optimism—has decreed that Brian Kelly’s LSU Tigers have about as much chance of a flawless season as a cat has of filing taxes. According to our silicon soothsayer, the Tigers will likely drop multiple games, possibly alerting actual humans to the joys of “hope” and “prayer.” The model, which apparently moonlights as a cosmic referee, suggests LSU’s road ahead is bumpier than a tailgate in a monsoon. Fans are advised to prepare emotionally, stock up on sarcastic memes, and maybe invest in a stress ball. Because if binary code is to be believed, the only thing more certain than a Tiger roar this season is the sound of “Game Over” buzzing from a very smug CPU.