Progrums

Pollsters nation-wide are reportedly in therapy after Brian Kelly’s LSU Tigers staged a dramatic tumble in Oxford, leaving prognosticators scrambling for fresh excuses. Witnesses claim spreadsheets across the AP Poll bunker spontaneously rearranged themselves into the letters “L-S-U” in lamentation. As LSU nurses its wounds (and bruised egos), Oregon’s Ducks and Alabama’s Tide have gleefully polished their up-arrows, rubbing shoulders in late-night ESPN tag-teams.

Insiders say LSU’s loss triggered a city-wide panic in Baton Rouge, with tailgate grills burning out of spite and fans eyeing their barbecue sauces suspiciously. Meanwhile, poll voters have been observed chugging Red Bull and consulting Tarot cards to divine whether LSU’s slide continues or if Oxford’s haunted stadium lights might flicker in remorse. On Sunday, the new Top-25 emerges—complete with fresh chaos, over-reactions and just enough belt-buckles for one more wild ride through college football’s soap opera.