Progrums

In a dramatic turn that has fans reaching for aspirin, LSU head coach Brian Kelly gathered his offensive squad for what witnesses dubbed the “Emotional Intervention Session of the Century.” Sources say Kelly paced the sidelines, pleading with his playbook to reveal even a single coherent first-down play. After another game where the Tigers’ offense looked more like a Houdini act than a touchdown machine, Kelly reportedly held up random X’s and O’s and challenged his quarterback to interpret them. The coaching staff was seen forming a human barricade around the offensive line, as if shielding them from reality itself. Summing up the slow start, Kelly cracked that his offense had become so adept at vanishing, it might earn its own magic show. With morale hanging by a thread, LSU has scheduled a midnight boot camp featuring glow-in-the-dark footballs and existential pep talks. And if that fails, rumour has it they’ll audition a mime for some silent—but hopefully effective—playmaking inspiration.