Over in Austin, Florida’s head coach Billy Napier stunned college football fans last night by praising the Texas Longhorns defense for an earth-shattering phenomenon he called “incremental improvement.” Sources say Napier paced the sideline clutching a slide rule, trying to calculate exactly how many molecules of progress Texas had managed since last season.
Napier also showered compliments on Steve Sarkisian, lovingly dubbing him “that guy who drew up plays after three cups of coffee.” He singled out Sarkisian’s audacity for daring to send out an offense that occasionally remembers how to block, throw, and—on a really good day—score.
When asked about the rest of the team, Napier reportedly paused to adjust his monocle before declaring that, yes, everyone on Texas’s roster is indeed still wearing the correct color jersey and showing up to practice. In closing, he advised Florida fans to prepare for next week’s game by assembling popcorn, a notepad, and a microscope—because they’ll need real high-powered optics to spot any further “incremental” defensive progress.
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