In a stunning display of crisis management usually reserved for political scandals, LSU head coach Brian Kelly took to the podium Tuesday to soothe a campus on the brink of mass hysteria. After Garrett Nussmeier’s season-opening performance was described by some diehards as “tragically cinematic,” rumors swirled faster than a Gatorade bath about the QB’s health. Was it a broken arm? A pulled hamstring? A bruised confidence? Kelly set the record straight: “He’s fine—if by ‘fine’ you mean he’s still figuring out which down is first,” the coach quipped, shooing away reporters like he was swatting flies at a tailgate.
According to Kelly, Nussmeier’s only real injury is the collective trauma of LSU fans re-learning what “rebuilding” really means. “He’s not hurt,” Kelly insisted, “he’s just auditioning for a soap opera with all this drama.” To help him snap out of it, the Tigers’ quarterback will reportedly meet weekly with a counselor, a yoga instructor, and a life coach—because nothing says “Go Tigers” like a holistic wellness plan for your signal-caller. When asked if Nussmeier might return in peak form by, say, Christmas, Kelly paused, smiled, and said, “Let’s start with halftime first.”
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