Progrums

In what is being hailed as the most dramatic soap opera since that time the Tigers ran out of gumbo, Brian Kelly and his merry band of LSU assistants are frantically dialing every number in the Bayou State just to learn one thing: will that prized offensive lineman ever wear purple and gold? Sources say the kid hasn’t even answered his college voicemail—instead, he’s rumored to be plotting a field-goal demotion of LSU’s hopes in favor of an SEC neighbor.

Recruiting insiders report coaches have consulted tarot cards, summoned Ouija boards, and even considered hiring a local psychic to pinpoint exactly when—or if—the lineman might flip from a rival’s favor back to Tiger love. Meanwhile, the prospect himself is allegedly binge-watching SEC highlight reels, sampling each rival’s mascot costume, and weighing which scouting camp swag bag most complements his collection of Bayou State beignets.

With Monday’s decision looming, LSU’s depth chart is holding its breath. If the lineman spurns Kelly’s playbook yet again, one can only imagine the celebration in the rival locker room—and the potent gumbo regrets simmering in Baton Rouge. Stay tuned for the next episode of “As the Recruiting World Turns.”