When Brian Kelly first heard the pledge in September, he reportedly spilled his coffee—partly from excitement, partly because his hands were trembling at the thought of adding yet another can’t-miss superstar to his collection. Fast-forward a few months and this signal-caller’s ego has achieved liftoff comparable only to a SpaceX rocket, leaving seasoned scouts fumbling their clipboards in the wreckage of broken scouting reports.
Sources inside Tiger Stadium whisper that LSU assistants are contemplating installing bleachers in the sky to keep pace with his vertical ascent, while Kelly himself has taken to calling the kid “My Favorite Unicorn.” At every practice, cameras capture the QB zipping passes so accurate they double as kitchen knives, carving defensive backfields into perfect slices of defeat.
Meanwhile, the commit’s social media bio now simply reads “Ascended,” a status update so audacious it’s crashed more servers than a free NFT drop. LSU fans are already penciling in next season’s Heisman ceremony—complete with red carpet and fog machines—though the kid hasn’t even played a snap yet. Still, with a trajectory this steep, one thing’s for certain: if hype could be measured in touchdowns, he’d already own every record in the SEC.
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