As kickoff approaches, Michigan faithful nationwide are bracing themselves for the historic moment when only three Wolverines actually matter. Sources confirm that unless you’re tracking Quarterback Chad “Laser Arm” Lawrence, Linebacker Marcus “Bonecrusher” Benson, or Wide Receiver Elliot “Jetpack” Jenkins, you might as well be watching paint dry.
Lawrence, whose spiral is rumored to have its own gravitational pull, will attempt to outsmart Wisconsin’s secondary with more trick plays than a magician convention. Benson, the human turnstile, has single-handedly instituted a ban on opposing running backs—sorry, Badgers—charging through his gap. And Jenkins, whose breakaway speed has inspired local meteorologists to issue “tornado watch” warnings whenever he lines up, will be the go-to target for any deep-ball enthusiasts.
Feel free to ignore everyone else on the roster—just don’t blame anyone when those three steals all the headlines and you miss the game-winning moment. After all, who needs a full team when you’ve got three bona fide highlight reels on one sideline?
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