In what promises to be the college football equivalent of clocking in for a light shift, the Michigan Wolverines are gearing up to mercilessly toy with the overmatched Badgers of Wisconsin. Coaches, fearing a potential outbreak of complacency, have reportedly rolled out emergency mindfulness workshops designed to keep players awake and vaguely focused for all four quarters.
Star quarterback Jim “Not-Here-for-a-Nap” Madison has been spotted meditating in the locker room, chanting “defense, offense—more offense” to ward off any mid-game snoozing. Meanwhile, the offensive line is practicing ominously named drills like “Operation No Rest for the Weary,” which involves sprinting drills followed by stern reminders that Wisconsin’s defense is about as intimidating as a politely worded eviction notice.
On the sidelines, head coach Urban Stoic has equipped each player with a wearable buzzer that vibrates whenever their head dips below shoulder level—a subtle nod to the fact that the phrase “let’s take a knee” should apply strictly in the football sense, not as an excuse for a power nap. Reporters whisper that special teams captain Ian “Energy Drink” Thompson has already downed 16 espresso shots during pregame warmups, just to ensure no one mistakes this blowout for a lullaby.
Fans, well aware of the lopsided history between these two teams, are dutifully printing out “How to Stay Awake During a Predictable Rout” pamphlets. Local bars have even started rationing coffee kegs alongside beer taps. After all, if there’s one thing scarier than watching your team get curb-stomped, it’s watching them do it so effortlessly you could nap through the whole affair. So buckle up, maize-and-blue faithful—the Wolverines are ready to remind everyone why they’re big favorites, and they’re determined to do it without a single yawn.
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