Progrums

In a groundbreaking press conference that rivals Shakespeare in emotional depth, Oklahoma head coach Brent Venables spent a full two minutes and twenty-seven seconds previewing the Sooners’ looming encounter with the fearsome Kent State Golden Flashes. Sporting a solemn expression usually reserved for assessing nuclear threats, Venables warned that these “flashes” could blind quarterbacks, distract receivers, and perhaps even short-circuit stadium lights if not handled carefully. He paused dramatically to consider whether Golden Flashes are flashier than actual lightning, then reassured fans that the team had conducted rigorous “flash-resistance” drills. When asked about specific game plans, he reminded everyone that strategy meetings would resume after a brief coffee break—because, after all, no flash is too golden when you’re properly caffeinated.