Progrums

In a plot twist surely unfolding in living rooms across college football nation, Oklahoma’s rookie offensive play-caller Ben Arbuckle is reportedly “too busy” orchestrating touchdown symphonies to notice the swirling head-coaching whispers about his future. Sources close to Arbuckle say he spends his days drawing elaborate route trees that would make a hedge maze jealous, leaving absolutely zero brain cells free for idle chatter about bigger offices or cushy press conferences. When asked about the coaching buzz, Arbuckle casually shrugged, admitting that none of that stuff “registers in my head”—a statement fans are interpreting as either zen-like humility or the world’s most polite version of selective amnesia. Meanwhile, media outlets continue to run headlines speculating on his every syllable, which Arbuckle insists he hears in stereo but chooses to file under “irrelevant noise.” As the Sooners rack up points and Arbuckle racks up compliments, it remains to be seen whether this masterful X’s-and-O’s architect will ever have time to update his LinkedIn beyond “Offensive Coordinator.” Until then, he plans to keep the rumor mill spinning itself into oblivion—just as long as it doesn’t disrupt his next brilliant game plan.