Progrums

In a stunning display of “Hey, look how nice I am,” Oklahoma wideout Deion Burks has added yet another shelf-filler to his ever-growing collection of pats-on-the-back. The university announced today that Burks is once again under consideration for the Jason Witten Award, the highly coveted honor that celebrates collegiate athletes who excel not only in torching opposing defenses but also in opening car doors for senior citizens and writing thank-you notes to their mail carriers. Rumor has it Burks once volunteered to coach a local Girl Scout troop in tying their shoes—an act that single-handedly tipped the scales in his favor. His coaches are reportedly “thrilled” that he might receive the award, though they admit they’re mostly just excited for the inevitable heartwarming Instagram posts. Meanwhile, competitors are left scrambling to top Deion’s noble off-field résumé, with one hopeful applying for the “Longest Vegan Bake Sale” record as we speak. Stay tuned to see if Burks can turn his community-goodness into yet another shiny trophy for his dorm room.