In a move that has stunned absolutely everyone not asleep at their desks, the Oregon Ducks have somehow managed to string together five victories for the second year running under coach Dan Lanning—because apparently miracles aren’t unique events after all. Fans who tuned in expecting fireworks and faceplants instead got actual, competitive football. Quarterback Dante Moore, fresh off inventing the “throw-ball-through-people” craze, is flirting with Heisman glory while defenders everywhere weep into clipboards.
Of course, it hasn’t been all sunshine and victory laps. Somewhere between a couple of muffed punts and a handful of overzealous mascot tackles, the Ducks showed fleeting signs of mortal fallibility. But ugly? Practically nonexistent. The closest thing to an eyesore was an ill-advised goal-line dance that prompted the SEC to issue an official “please stop” memo.
Team chemistry is so strong that even the waterboys are drafting trade proposals. Meanwhile, rival coaches are frantically searching YouTube tutorials on “How to Un-Duck Your Team.” If Lanning keeps this up, the Ducks might have to start reserving space on campus for all those Heisman plaques. Or at least a bigger trophy case.
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