Progrums

In a move that’s equal parts swagger and sheer panic, the Oregon Ducks have already jam-packed most of their 2026 recruiting class with enough five-star athletes to intimidate small nations—but they’re not hitting the snooze button just yet. With the early signing period looming like a really intense math exam, Oregon’s coaching staff has donned their neon-green battle armor and embarked on a nationwide manhunt for cornerbacks, wideouts, and the occasional mythical field-goal specialist. Rumor has it they’re offering recruits lifetime access to free guacamole and mandatory team yoga after every skirmish. Despite boasting the country’s top-ranked haul, Duck Country insists it can shed even more “Meh” recruits in favor of athletes who can catch, block, or at least look intimidating in a helmet. Because in Eugene, being number one is just the starting line for “completely overkill.”