Progrums

In a move sure to shock absolutely no one who’s ever wondered where the remote control went, University of Oregon’s freshly minted transfer running back Makhi Hughes opted out of the team plane to Penn State this weekend—on purpose. Head coach Dan Lanning confirmed that Hughes formally petitioned for a redshirt, a fancy NCAA term for “please let me binge-watch the season from the comfort of the sidelines without penalty.”
Having already dipped his cleats into four games—one shy of the magic threshold—Hughes wisely decided to preserve his grand total of zero career touchdowns for when the timing really feels right. Sources close to the situation describe him stockpiling popcorn and drafting a detailed spectating strategy, complete with mid-game nap intervals and buffalo wing catering.
Teammates reportedly applaud his commitment to bench excellence, while opponents remain blissfully unaware they’ll never face him this year. As for Hughes himself, he’s reportedly drafting thank-you cards for the NCAA and scheduling solo workouts so hardcore no one’s around to see them. After all, what’s a four-game cameo compared to the glory of indefinite, zero-plays-made benchdom?