Progrums

In a masterclass of collegiate romance, Brian Kelly and his LSU entourage are still drooling over the nation’s No. 2 high school football phenom—even after he RSVP’d “maybe” to their fiercest SEC rival this weekend. Rather than savoring purple-and-gold jambalaya on campus, the gridiron wunderkind has booked a full-service weekend getaway at Opponent University, complete with guided locker-room strolls, light-up helmet selfies, and a carefully curated seminar on “how to politely reject recruiting calls.” Undeterred, Kelly’s team plans to station a support squad just outside enemy lines, armed with branded umbrellas, complimentary protein shakes, and strategically timed pep talks via megaphone. Rumor has it they’re even drafting a heartfelt, hand-delivered postcard to remind the prodigy that nothing says “commitment” like official LSU stationery. Meanwhile, Bayou State fans clutch their popcorn, ready to see if a little college theater—and some artisanal boudin—will coax the golden signee back into the fold.