Patriots Cornerback Crowns Ducks the Ultimate Champs
The Oregon Ducks secured a spot in the College Football Playoff semifinals alongside Indiana, Miami and Ole Miss. New England Patriots star cornerback Christian Gonzalez grabbed all the tokens from his teammates and deposited every football in the Ducks’ bin, even removing the other teams’ bins altogether, to make his national championship pick crystal clear. Gonzalez spent three years in college ball, ending with a First-team All-Pac-12 nod at Oregon in 2022 before going 17th overall to New England in 2023. With 145 tackles, 24 pass deflections and a Pro Bowl nod already to his name, he’s not shy about backing his alma mater.
In a display of unbridled loyalty—or possibly mild office supplies theft—Gonzalez turned a simple prediction game into the sporting equivalent of Monopoly money laundering. Why choose one team when you can forcibly redistribute all evidence to back your favorite? Meanwhile, quarterback Drake Maye quietly tossed his own vote in the Ducks’ bin, because nothing says “I’m objective” like joining a bin he didn’t individually empty. It’s comforting to know NFL stars decide championships the same way toddlers decide snack time: grab everything in sight, ignore nuance, declare victory. Next up, will they draft cheerleaders and mascot costumes as the keys to winning it all?
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