Kasi Currie’s Epic Texas Tour Wows Coaches
The Texas staff hosted top-10 defensive end recruit Kasi Currie for a whirlwind weekend on the Forty Acres, showcasing everything from state-of-the-art facilities to guided campus tours with former commit Richard Wesley. Currie, ranked No. 2 at his position by 247Sports, praised the visit as “amazing,” citing strong connections with defensive line coach Kenny Baker and the chance to bond with current Longhorn stars. Still juggling offers from LSU and Alabama, Currie left Austin seriously considering a March return, giving Texas hope for their 2027 class recruitment haul.
Satirical take: In a bold marketing move, Texas may soon rebrand itself as “Disneyland for Defensive Linemen,” complete with souvenir photo-ops featuring oversized foam cleats. Sources close to Currie report he was particularly dazzled by the free tacos at lunch, a well-documented cornerstone of Texas recruiting dominance. Expect the next recruiting video to open with cartoon longhorns dancing to “We Are the Champions” as prospects major in nachology.
Fourth-Time’s the Charm: Morris Joins Longhorns QB Room
After stops at NC State, Maryland and Coastal Carolina, veteran QB MJ Morris has tapped into the transfer portal once more—and this time his destination is Austin. Morris arrives as a seasoned fifth-year backup behind starter Arch Manning, joining a room that also features rising redshirt freshman KJ Lacey and five-star recruit Dia Bell. With 2,021 career passing yards and 20 touchdowns under his belt, Morris brings maturity and leadership to a Longhorns quarterback group hungry for depth.
Satirical take: Morris’s journey through college football has more detours than a broken GPS, yet somehow he’s still on the map—just in time to snag a spot behind Arch Manning. Rumor has it he chose Texas because the campus Wi-Fi is just strong enough to stream every episode of “QB1” on repeat. As for his rivals, Arch and Dia Bell, they’re reportedly thrilled to have a backup who can tell them stories about life before the Size 12 cleats era.
Softball Royalty: Longhorns Garner Preseason All-American Accolades
The defending national champion Texas Longhorns softball squad has landed five more preseason All-American nods. Pitcher Teagan Kavan and catcher Reese Atwood headline the first team, joined by utility standout Katie Stewart. Junior outfielders Kayden Henry and Ashton Maloney make the second team, bolstering a roster already picked No. 1 by D1 Softball and No. 2 by Softball America. With Kavan’s WCWS MOP trophy and Atwood’s near-.400 average leading the way, Texas aims to defend its title in 2026.
Satirical take: Somewhere between batting practice and champagne toasts, Texas softball players have apparently mastered the ancient art of making opposing teams cry into their uniforms. Coach Mike White is rumored to have installed a giant scoreboard that not only tracks strikeouts but also counts how many times opponents mutter “dang, they’re good.” Preseason hype has reached such a crescendo that local toymakers are producing miniature softball bats labeled “For Office Use Only.”
Rasheem Biles Bolsters Longhorn Defense, Ranks No. 90
Linebacker Rasheem Biles, fresh off three All-ACC seasons at Pittsburgh, enters Austin as one of PFF’s Top 101 players of 2025 (ranked No. 90). He racked up 101 tackles, 17 TFLs, 4.5 sacks and two pick-sixes last season, earning run-defense grades north of 85.3. Joining incoming transfers Justin Cryer and Markus Boswell, Biles will shore up a Longhorn defense experiencing turnover at LB spots, poised for a Muschamp-led shift back to traditional front-seven schemes in 2026.
Satirical take: Biles’s arrival is being hailed as the “Great Wall of Austin,” a defensive fortress so impenetrable that opposing offenses have reportedly filed missing persons reports for their running backs. Enthusiastic UT fans are already selling jerseys labeled “No Touch Zone” and lobbying for a “Biles Speed Limit” on quarterback scrambles. Defensive coordinators everywhere are tearing out their hair, pleading for mercy—and maybe a portal option of their own.
Colin Simmons Shines as College Football Elite
EDGE rusher Colin Simmons, after a sophomore season with 12 sacks, three forced fumbles and 59 QB pressures, has been ranked No. 65 overall in PFF’s 2025 top-101 players list. The Longhorns retained the standout defensive star despite several offseason departures, and Simmons posted a 91.7 pass-rush grade in Power Four play—up from a 90.0 freshman grade. As he eyes the 2027 NFL Draft, Simmons looks to lead Texas’s defense to a College Football Playoff berth and cement his first-round potential.
Satirical take: Simmons’s breakout has sparked rumors that Texas plans to rename its stadium “Simmons’s Sack Factory,” complete with factory whistles every time he brings down a QB. Talk around Austin suggests local business owners are offering discounts to anyone who correctly predicts his next forced fumble count. If Simmons ups his numbers in 2026, expect a commemorative bobblehead tour of every grocery store in the Lone Star State.
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