IU’s Non-Conference Snoozefest Could Haunt Playoff Dreams
Indiana’s football squad has opted for a non-conference schedule so gentle it might as well be a baby blanket. By avoiding Power Five opponents in 2026, the Hoosiers risk giving the College Football Playoff selection committee too little meat to chew on, even if they finish 10–2. Tune-up games against UConn, Rutgers and Nebraska could lull Curt Cignetti’s team into a false sense of security—only to have a hyper-tested Ohio State expose every turnover and defensive weakness in Mid-October. As the postseason expands, favorable slates might become less forgiving, but for now IU walks a tightrope between bowl boredom and a lopsided Big Ten slugfest.
Welcome to the Indiana football version of “choose your own adventure”—except every path leads to “LOL not in the Playoff.” Fans can binge-watch 22 consecutive wins against cupcakes, then sob uncontrollably when they meet a real team. It’s like hosting a dinner party where all the guests are mannequins, then wondering why the food critics gave you zero stars. But hey, at least the highlight reel will be littered with easy scores against teams still figuring out what a “playbook” is. And if Ohio State mercifully dismantles them, IU can always console itself with a participation trophy for “Most Creative Use of a Soft Schedule.”
Indiana’s Barefoot Wrestling Weasel Swears by Raw Milk
Joey Buttler, Indiana wrestling’s barefoot disciple of Liver King, has elevated weirdness to an extreme sport. He guzzles raw milk labeled “NOT FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION,” eats cow intestines, sleeps on blankets in lieu of a mattress, disables his own Wi-Fi to ward off evil 5G rays, and hugs trees daily. Despite starting wrestling late and suffering a compression fracture, his relentless mindset carried him to state finals and a viral backflip at the Big Ten Tournament. Now redshirting at Indiana, he aims for an NCAA championship—and maybe shaving his mop of hair only if it guarantees a title.
Move over, Dos Equis guy—there’s a new “most interesting man in the world,” and he’s moonlighting as Indiana’s resident weasel. If Jackass met TED Talk, it’d look something like Joey preaching the gospel of raw organs while skipping haircuts for half a decade. Who needs sleep when you can count electrons in tree bark? And forget NCAA weights—Buttler’s real flex is downing 16 pounds of salt-laced water daily. He’s the kind of human experiment that makes lab rats pack their bags. Yet against all odds, this walking health hazard is Indiana’s best shot at a wrestling title—and possibly the next health guru running for president on a platform of getting back to nature…and hospitals be damned.
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