From Beatdown to Backhanded Bragging Rights
After suffering a shocking 63-10 loss to Indiana in September, Illinois head coach Bret Bielema couldn’t help but heap praise on the Hoosiers’ coordinators. On “Pardon My Take,” Bielema declared Bryant Haines and Mike Shanahan the best offensive and defensive minds he’s ever encountered in his 17-year career. Haines, fresh off a Broyles Award, and Shanahan have been Curt Cignetti’s right-hand men since James Madison; now they’ve steered Indiana to national glory. Bielema admits these two know what you’ll do before you do it—and he wouldn’t be surprised when Power-5 schools start circling.
Cue the tiny violins for poor Bret Bielema, who after a career’s worth of glossing over mediocrity, finally found someone worth complimenting—right after they embarrassed him on the field. It’s almost touching watching a grown coach tip his cap like a kindergarten kid forced to share his snack. Our man Bret insists these coordinators are “the best I’ve ever seen,” which, given the Illini’s recent form, is like calling a half-melted popsicle “the apex of frozen dessert technology.” Meanwhile, Haines and Shanahan are quietly plotting their escape from Bloomington, probably drafting acceptance speeches for head-coach gigs in smoke-filled rooms where contracts are signed in disappearing ink. Enjoy the spotlight, gentlemen—Bielema might even toss you another compliment when you trample him again next season.
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