Progrums

In a bold move to stem the tide of Hokie-induced anxiety, Virginia Tech has formally released its Week Three depth chart ahead of the Old Dominion showdown—because nothing screams “we’ve got this” like publicly admitting who’s playing next. Sources report that the document was distributed campus-wide via skywriting, flash mobs, and interpretive dance, ensuring every…

Desperate Hokies fans will cram into living rooms this Saturday, searching for any sign of a first victory as Virginia Tech limps into its third game of the season. After an 0-2 start that left statisticians weeping, the team’s playbook now includes advanced tactics like “remember how to tackle” and “read the scoreboard.” Across the…

Hokies fans woke up dreaming of 7.5-point victories courtesy of ESPN Bet, only to have ESPN’s FPI swipe their enthusiasm like a clingy ex. Scouts report coaches furiously refreshing their phones mid-practice, praying the algorithm flips back in their favor. Meanwhile, players are reportedly practicing touchdown celebrations in Excel, since actual game planning might cut…

Virginia Tech faithful have installed blackout curtains and stocked up on comfort ice cream after their beloved Hokies commemorated two straight weeks without a victory. Fans have organized candlelight vigils outside Lane Stadium, trading playbooks for tissues and debating whether a pep talk from the marching band might do the trick. Rumor has it the…