Progrums

Virginia Tech’s athletic department is about to bust out the champagne—or more realistically, the electrolyte-infused sports drinks—after being handed a bloodstream injection of $108 million. That jaw-dropping cash infusion inflates next year’s budget to an eye-popping $190 million, more than enough to outfit every player in anti-gravity cleats and Wi-Fi-enabled mouthguards.
Expected upgrades include a climate-controlled cheerleading bunker, scented vapor tunnels leading to the locker rooms, and one extra assistant coach for each letter in SP0RTS. While athletes gear up for life on full scholarships, actual students are left brainstorming bake sales to fund their capstone projects. The campus can’t wait to see which will finish first—the Hokies’ touchdown dance or the administration’s next financial contortion.